New Blog

I created a new blog dedicated to the recent event in my life. I still cannot talk about it to anyone, but I find that writing down how I am feeling helps give me an outlet for all of my emotions.

Bad News Today

Three weeks ago we found out during the ultrasound that the baby's heart rate was too high, over 200. I went back today to have a follow up ultrasound and the heart rate has dropped down to 188, which is still too high. They also noticed that the nuchal fold is measuring way too large, and it is highly likely that it is a chromosomal abnormality. I talked to both my OB and a specialist and after they looked at everything, both of them said that I'm going to lose the baby, and right now I have the option to do some testing. Either way I will need to choose whether or not to end the pregnancy now or wait to miscarry. None of them said that it is a possibility to end up with a living baby. It is so difficult to see your child kicking their legs and sucking their thumb, and then moments later have someone tell that child is not going to live. This is going to be the hardest choice I have ever made, and I have no idea what to do.

I Never Knew

I never knew I could love this much. I thought that the day Dylan was born I would have this feeling, but I've come to realize that it develops over time. I honestly cry when I think about how much Dylan means to me and how she has made me see the world in a completely different way. Over the last four months I have learned so much about myself and Jon and now I can't imagine our life any other way. I miss Dylan every second I am away from her, I miss her smile, her laughs, even the smell of spit up. It is so interesting to see her discover and analyze things, I'm so excited for all things she will learn. As much as I don't want her to grow any older, I realize that all of her milestones have become the highlight of my life, and it is so fun to experience this process of seeing her grow into the beautiful woman that she will one day become. Even though I have been going through a rough time lately, all I need to do is look at Dylan and Jon and I know that I have all that I've ever wanted and as long as I have them everything will be ok.


I had my first ultrasound today. The ultrasound room felt so familiar to me, so many great moments there, but today I was scared as hell to be there. Like I thought, I was not as far along as according to my LMS. Turns out that I am 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant. There in only one baby (thank goodness), it is adorable and looks like a little bean. Seeing the baby and hearing the heart beat made me feel so relieved! Now to the not so happy news, turns out that the baby has Tachycardia, it's heart rate was 202, which is too high. I'm so nervous, I feel as if me being sick is causing this and I feel so guilty. The doctor said that they may have me come in within the next two weeks to do another ultrasound, one where they study the heart and blood flow, or else I will have to wait 5 weeks and check it at my next appointment. I don't think I can wait 2 weeks let alone 5. I've been on such an emotional rollercoaster today, it's getting hard to handle. I will talk to the nurse tomorrow to see what will happen. If the heart rate stays above 200 that means a possible heart defect, please pray and hope for the best.

*Update: I will have another ultrasound on the 26th.

Sick Day

I've been sick for about 4 days now. Thankfully I have such a wonderful husband who is home with me today.It kills me not to be able to help with Dylan or do chores around the apartment. I'm also nervous about this baby growing inside me, I haven't given it a very healthy environment to develop in. Hopefully all my worrying will go away when we get to see thing #2 during the ultrasound tomorrow. Dylan's 4 month shots have to be delayed a week because her doctor is out of the office tomorrow, hopefully she will be able to get some help with her reflux issues at that appointment as well. I feel as if everything is really dreary right now, I need something to wake me up.


I called the clinic today to get my results and she said they were high, 40,000! This means that I am progressed enough to get an ultrasound. Tuesday will be a big day, Dylan is getting her 4 month shots, then after that we get to see the new baby. They will do measurements and determine a due date. Hooray! I think tonight is a good night for a date with my Jonny.


I called my OB's office to let them know that I had a positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago, and when the receptionist saw that I just had my postpartum checkup in July she sounded concerned and said she would have the nurse call me back. After a long wait the nurse called me and let me know that they needed to test out my HCG (Human chorionic gonadoropin) levels. The further you progress in your pregnancy the higher these levels get. So I dropped Dylan off at Patty's office and went to the labs where they drew my blood. Hopefully I will hear the results tomorrow. If the results are high enough, probably over 1,000, they will do an ultrasound.

I really wasn't worried about this pregnancy until today. We wanted our children to be close in age, and I am in love with the idea of how good of friends these two children will be. But the concern of the nurse, made me a little nervous about everything. A part of me feels selffish for getting pregnant again so soon and possibily putting my health at risk, but I also feel like I have so much love to give and this is what I was meant to do with my life. I hope everything turns out fine, I will update with results soon.